Am I powerless to change?
Am I powerless to be anything different after so many tries?
Will He redeem me?
Tell me to help myself?
Tell me He’s had enough?
or just let me die?
I’m tired of failing.
Every day I taste defeat.
You would think it tastes so great to me…
my stomach’s full beyond capacity.
I’m alone in my body.
My emotions, my diseases, my body,
me…
I face myself.
& I’ve failed,
& I’m about to die.
Tired of living in shame
Of failing my God,
Myself,
My future and my family.
I cling to hope, wondering… if it’s truly there within my sight.
Wondering,
if redemption is truly possible at this point.
After squandering it so many times
I am weak.
& grovel on the floor to find reasons…
why there is still breath in me.
Am I the smoldering flame?
Or the wick that’s been burned already?
I no longer have a place.
I no longer have a place.
Used up
On borrowed time.
He will not see me,
until I die…
Or Perhaps when I am clean.
Broken & undone.
I’ve lost my way.
I hold the door & yet I’ve closed it in his face.
I hold the door I make choices…
& every day I walk away.
There is no hiding place.
I turn away…
& hate what I see.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
I hate what I see on my face.
I hate when look at mysef.
I hate that I’ve come to this place.
How could God not hate me more?
If there is no good in me.
What is there to hold onto in life,
after constantly disobeying?
All the Wisdom and Knowledge that He’s graced me with,
I have failed to follow.
I’m just a failure to Him.
A failure to you.
& a failure to me.
Backslider.
& yet its all the same as the others.
So tired-
all I do is disappoint.
Try so hard
or so I think-
some days-
and yet it’s easy to let it all go to waste.
Seekers of truth-
claim they seek knowledge
Yet shy away from what they cant change
What they don’t like.
What they cant shape.
What they cant make.
What they cant break.
& my eyes are swollen.
The product once again
of too high of expectations.
I fail-
constantly
To make right choices
for myself.
I beg God for the day
I can be
well enough,
to not think
anyone
can save me
spare me -
from the torture I feel
when I’m alone.
These ideas that I’m stuck.
Come all too often,
I am sick
of what I’ve seen from myself.
What I feel
on daily basis-
No hope really.
Just going through the motions.
Waiting for that spark-
to ignite that excitement,
That will make me believe-
Life’s worth living.
*****************************************************
I had this dream.
I had this fucken dream that life would be perfect.
That I would come to see the light in my time.
I’d see it in my dream,
the water -
waves crashing.
But the light
So Bright
I knew it was Him.
Beckoning,
Calling me.
I knew my day was near.
Then I fail.
In this life I failed
For all torture I’ve failed.
For what it’s worth.
That failure-
Is me.
I hate.
With every bench.
Every curl. Every twist. Every grunt. Every turn.
I fucking torture my body.
How much can I lift? Tell me, how much can it hurt?
With every drop of sweat.
How much can it burn?
Time is running out. & I’m running out of choices.
I’m running out of ways- to keep control of myself.
Despite how hard I push…
For once you finally obey-
My heart skips a beat- while my soul feels drained.
I control you
for just a short time…
If I could stay in that moment -
If I could stay
If I could stay
& not feel the pain…
I would no longer want you to die.
Or Brave.
With “Balls of Steel” …
like a co-worker told me.
Yet I feel so dumb
so ashamed
that I could think
somebody
of his caliber-
would be interested in me.
It’s always the same-
yet I was no longer afraid-
To say
what I felt was needed.
Being brave?
It was torture,
pure toture,
all these thoughts,
these emotions
and these needs.
What was I thinking?
I’m an asshole-
I’m an asshole-
yet somehow
it’s all
gonna be ok.
Am I awful to hate my own mother?
& How do I not expect
God to hate me
in return?
In my mind she was a savage.
Yet I’ve been called the same thing.
Violence, yelling and screaming.
That’s all I remember.
& I see it now towards my nephew.
How I try not to be like her.
How I try to stay
far away
Both mentally and emotionally.
Both of them have damned me.
With their habits.
Weak minds.
Ignorance & stupidity.
i just want to get married.
& be on with my life.
to Get out of this hell hole.
Start a new family.
I feel like a prisoner.
With only one out.
I swallow my own bile,
feeling like you’ve turned your back on me
one last time.
I don’t want to feel this way
at all
God
no
Found more uniforms today. & it scares me, reminding me of my old self.
Of the things I used to do, how I’d feel & behave..
the only thing noble then
was my occupation.
White uniforms. & I’m glad to give them away.
The sensation a cross
between fear, disgust & shame.
Fear,
because it was what I had known for so long.. & now I wonder where I will end up.
Fear because I never want to go back there.. and abuse myself.
Just want to erase that pain.
Disgust because I held onto false hope, thinking I would actually make something of myself, or a difference in that field of living.
All the while being sucked in,
chewed up
and spat out.
Disgust because I really pushed myself, based on the ideology of sacrifice, the idea that it was where I had belonged.
As a slave.
Shame because of what I’d done.
How I’d coped.
I come face to face with it frequently these days.
Traces of my past, of my history, of all I want to erase.
I cling to new hope now, in the form of a love.
But it’s always in that form one way or another.
In one whom barely knows my feelings exist, & yet I love him so much.
I keep thinking I can better myself, I can be someone different, perhaps who I’m meant to be.
Perhaps who I’m meant to be for Him.
I pray and I ask God to help me, despite our tumultuous relationship these days, I know he forgives me.
He forgives me, better than I forgive myself.
Just want to purge my soul of the awfulness, and get on with my life.
