The Darkness

It inhabited me.

Empty feelings

resided & drained

What little I had left-

Other Worldly

Assumed its place

Temporarily

inside my Soul.

Temporarily.

Temporarily.

You don’t reside Here anymore.

Yours is the doorway to death.
& I’ve let you on the inside.

I came
I came

& I came again

I couldn’t get you out of my mind.

My self destructive tendencies-
so cordial with how you waited

I wanted to die
I wanted to die

I wanted to die because I was baited.

You are the destruction
The Torment
the Death

I feel every day.

You stole my home
You stole my womb
You stole my life

& stole my fight.

I was a prisoner because you baited me
I should have known better

I tried

Am I powerless to change?

Am I powerless to be anything different after so many tries?

Will He redeem me?

Tell me to help myself?

Tell me He’s had enough?

or just let me die?

I’m tired of failing.

Every day I taste defeat.

You would think it tastes so great to me…

my stomach’s full beyond capacity.

I’m alone in my body.

My emotions,  my diseases, my body,

me…

I face myself.

& I’ve failed,

& I’m about to die.

Tired of living in shame

Of failing my God,

Myself,

My future and my family.

I cling to hope, wondering… if it’s truly there within my sight.

Wondering,

if redemption is truly possible at this point.

After squandering it so many times

I am weak.

& grovel on the floor to find reasons…

why there is still breath in me.

Am I the smoldering flame?

Or the wick that’s been burned already?

I no longer have a place.

I no longer have a place.

Used up

On borrowed time.

He will not see me,

until I die…

Or Perhaps when I am clean.

Broken & undone.

I’ve lost my way.

I hold the door  &  yet I’ve closed it in his face.

I hold the door I make choices…

& every day I walk away.

There is no hiding place.

I turn away…

& hate what I see.

I hate what I see in the mirror.

I hate what I see on my face.

I hate when look at mysef.

I hate that I’ve come to this place.

How could God not hate me more?

If there is no good in me.

What is there to hold onto in life,

after constantly disobeying?

All the Wisdom and Knowledge that He’s graced me with,

I have failed to follow.

I’m just a failure to Him.

A failure to you.

& a failure to me.

Backslider.

& yet its all the same as the others.

So tired-

all I do is disappoint.

Try so hard

or so I think-

some days-

and yet it’s easy to let it all go to waste.

Lost Opportunities.

Squandered Opportunities.

So many to sort from-

that will never Change.

I hope to find those-

that will live again.

Breath holding tears flowing-

I cry out in vain.

My wait is on the outcome

I may never see that day.

My wait is on the outcome

My dreams die in vain.

Seekers of truth-
claim they seek knowledge

Yet shy away from what they cant change

What they don’t like.
What they cant shape.
What they cant make.
What they cant break.

& my eyes are swollen.

The product once again

of too high of expectations.

I fail-

constantly

To make right choices

for myself.

I beg God for the day

I can be

well enough,

to not think

anyone

can save me

spare me -

from the torture I feel

when I’m alone.

These ideas that I’m stuck.

Come all too often,

I am sick

of what I’ve seen from myself.

What I feel

on daily basis-

No hope really.

Just going through the motions.

Waiting for that spark-

to ignite that excitement,

That will make me believe-

Life’s worth living.

*****************************************************

I had this dream.

I had this fucken dream that life would be perfect.

That I would come to see the light in my time.

I’d see it in my dream,

the water -

waves crashing.

But the light

So Bright

I knew it was Him.

Beckoning,

Calling me.

I knew my day was near.

Then I fail.

In this life I failed

For all torture I’ve failed.

For what it’s worth.

That failure-

Is me.

I hate.

With every bench.

Every curl. Every twist. Every grunt. Every turn.

I fucking torture my body.

How much can I lift? Tell me, how much can it hurt?

With every drop of sweat.

How much can it burn?

Time is running out. & I’m running out of choices.

I’m running out of ways- to keep control of myself.

Despite how hard I push…

For once you finally obey-

My heart skips a beat- while my soul feels drained.

I control you

for just a short time…

If I could stay in that moment -

If I could stay

If I could stay

& not feel the pain…

I would no longer want you to die.